J'ne
I can't believe I'm 26 and am just now thinking to speak to child and teenager Jewel. I know they miss me. I grew up so fast. Life just went for it and ran with it without looking back. I still genuinely feel young and like the child in me, but things have happened. Looking back is scary because I can't tell her what happened. Or exactly why I decided to make the decisions I have made. I can't even say I know it'll turn out awesomely as much as I want to say it confidently to her. I can't help but remember she still has my heart and mind and spirit and knows my humanistic doubt. I feel guilty over this natural feeling. But I can't help it and I genuinely fight each every doubt.
The first thought that came to my head when thinking about visiting her was her optimism. I mean I jealously want it back. Violently want to trade off my pain for her optimism. Weirdly enough it's currently hard to look back and ask her because I don't know if I would take it, let alone use it. I know why I am like this and turned out like this. By chance or purpose, I decided to perceive it the way I wanted to perceive it. So, I did the best I can. Every fault and fall I've cone across she comes along to comfort me and remind me who I once was. She constantly reminds me she's my core.
She's so powerful because with her powers she holds, the gifts God wants me to use. I steered so far away from my core at times and I use her at time like she's a stranger. Or like I'm a foster child to a system that blamed me for the things life gives you. I genuinely forget I'm one, and accessing her turns into full fear, frustration, and jealousy.
What happened to me? I honestly can't answer that question. I look back to Every point and call it normal. The turning point is so hidden. I'm 26 trying to desperately learning what it means to throw it all at Jesus's feet because I no longer can hold it. I don't want to. It's no where normal for a person to carry what life did to them. Between accidents, just because and personal faults all I can personally say it is a game of cause and effect. This game automatically makes you make decisions whether you want to or not. You live with regret or joy by decision no matter how cause and effect turns out.
So, little Jewel I'll sorry if I crushed what you gave me. I wanted to do better please know that. I know you don't want this apology but I know it's needed. I wanted to treat you right and give you words that I could commit to. But life is hard and I hurt you so bad because everyone around me forgets the child inside them too...
Where do we go from here?! Well one thing I don't say enough is I need you if we are going to obey our number one Friend. I need you because it's hard doing it myself. I need you because you've been here longer to watch me grow in all places. I need you because your heart is so rare. Not only do I need it but the world. I also need you because you hold the key and I don't want to go on with out being in sync.
Despite the tragic betrayals and dramatic depressions and overly insensitive situationships you continued to remind me. You talked with the Holy Spirit even I wasn't ready. What I want to display right now, and everyone forgets to address is acknowledgement and complete love for you. So let's go do what we were made for!
